Tip for Women #14: Clunky, Dark-Rimmed Eyeglasses

I'm bringing this one up because your glasses are implicated by your profile photos. Full disclosure: I abhor the clunky, dark, thick-rimmed glasses (and/or crazy shaped and/or coloured, thick-rimmed glasses) trend that refuses to die, 10 gazillion years on.

I've tempered my opinion, though, and I've come to accept that some of you, sometimes, can pull these off. Just be careful, okay? I think a good rule of thumb is to not wear glasses with more "character" than your face. Seriously, some of you wearing those things are really pretty, and the glasses distract from that. Maybe keep the clunky Prada glasses as a back-up pair, and choose something that doesn't overpower the rest of your face. At least wear your hair down if you insist on wearing them . . .

Guys, I think, pull this look off better, although only marginally. Maybe it's because we can grow facial hair, which draws some attention away from the glasses.

Tip for Men #14: Less or Fewer?

This applies for both men and women, but I see more violations amongst men.

There is a syntactic difference between 'less' and 'fewer', and your profiles don't suggest that you're aware of this fact. Here's how it works:

'Less' applies only to non-count nouns, which are nouns that cannot be counted and thus must be considered as a collective whole entity. E.g.: "Last night I drank less vodka than I did on Tuesday."

'Fewer' applies to count-nouns, which are nouns that are counted individually. E.g.: "Last night I drank fewer vodka-tonics than I did on Tuesday."

Get it? Then get to work...

Tip for Men #12: You're Taking These Questions Too Literally!

Guys, all those "more about me questions"? They're not meant just to give random biographical information about yourself. They're meant to help somebody who is wondering whether she'd like to meet you to get some idea about your personality and who you are as a person. In your profile, every answer you give should be directed towards painting that picture of yourself.

I know, I know: being a guy means always taking things literally. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Don't read into things unless in an emergency. I'm a guy too, so I understand those tendencies; but, you need to break out of that mould.

So when Nerve asks you what you have in your bedroom or refrigerator, they're being ALLUSIVE, so don't just list some of the items that you keep there. Use those questions to illustrate who you are.

Tip for Women #13: What's in your Studio Apartment?

Firstly, please see today's post for men; it applies to some of you too, albeit fewer.

Secondly, I've decided that it's starting to bug me how so many of you are responding to the "what's in my bedroom?" question with: "Well, I live in a studio, so everything I own". One profile I saw even went on to explain that she had some other stuff in her bathroom and kitchen, but that everything else was in her bedroom, since hers is a studio apartment.

*Eyeroll*

Tip for Women #12: Blank is Sexy; Blank is Sexier

So, honestly, how am I meant to interpret your refusal to answer this question, coupled with your lengthy explanation of exactly why you think it's a lame question, as anything other than an expression of a subtextual sentiment something along the lines of: "talking about what I find sexy makes me feel uncomfortable"?

Seriously, I'd like to know!

Sure, it's a lame question, but so is "what's in your CD player right now?", and yet everybody fills that one with every band we've ever listened to.

Tip for Men #12: Being Funny

Welcome back from x-mas guys. The new year is coming up, and it's time to make your New Year's Resolution not to be such a lame-o when it comes to your online dating profile. With my help, we'll get there together, one step at a time...

So, it's been established in survey after survey that women, generally speaking, really seem to like men with a good sense of humour. Over and over, it's been shown that women tend to prefer physically less attractive guys who have a sense of humour over more attractive guys without a sense of humour. For whatever reason.

Basically, it pays to have a sense of humour, which, you should know, doesn't mean you should act the clown. So what if you aren't at all funny? Well, you need to sell your other strengths or learn how to bring out your sense of humour. Whatever you do, don't sell yourself as funny if you aren't actually. You'll just get the same reaction as those 5'3" guys who say they're 5'7".

If you are funny, it's more important for you to SHOW this than to TELL it. So don't be that guy who describes himself as "my friends say I'm basically like a stand-up comedian". Be the guy who makes women looking at your profile laugh, or at least appreciate the humour.

This, by the way, applies to anything that you can DEMONSTRATE in your profile. Don't say you're smart, BE smart when you write. Etc.

Tip for Men and Women #11: Body Art

This is a lazy, 3am after a xmas week-end out of town post. It doesn't even involve your profile. I'm now having the temerity to critique you on the choices you make in your actual lives.

Tattoos: In NYC, if you're under 40, the "alternative" thing to do is not to have a tattoo. I'm making it official:

I officially declare a ten-year moritorium on all tattoos! All tattoo parlours must close! Any person caught getting a black market tattoo will be subject to disciplinary action...

Piercings: No more piercings on the face, please. I took out my eyebrow ring because I realised how weird they look, from seeing how every third person on the subway seems to have one. I'm keeping my nose ring, but that's only because I thought of it before you and your 99 friends thought of it. And these cheek/lip piercings? Well, let's just say when you see me look at your lip ring and shudder, it isn't from the cold.

Tip for Women #10: Post a Photo!!!

This is a no-brainer. You need to post a photo. I think for the most part guys have got the message that "no photo" means "no success". But you women haven't received that memo, I guess. It almost guarantees a diminished response. Myself, I very rarely write to people without photos.

Maybe you could write and suggest good reasons why you might not post one, because I'm at a loss.

1. Career. Nope. Nobody ever got fired for dating, whether internet or in real life. On that line, would you decline a date just in case you run into your boss at the bar?

2. Safety. Nope. What can somebody really do with just your photo?

3. Embarrassed. What, are you really afraid that your mom or friends will see you're online? If you're insecure about people thinking you can't meet people "in real life", well you need to just get over that. This is New York, 21st Century. The opportunities for meeting people are much different from when your parents met each other. More work + less social interaction = greater difficulty meeting people. Necessity is the mother of invention, though, so welcome to the Singles Bar Version 2.0.

Bit of a tangent, this. I intend to discuss it further in the future. Seriously, though, write me and tell me why you're not posting a photo.

Tip for Men #10: If at first it doesn't succeed....

Try, try again!

But try something new.

Let's face it. No matter how great your profile is, or how spot-on your first e-mail to her is, some women just aren't going to write back to you. I discussed this earlier. And some of them don't even have the courtesy to send you the "auto-reply" indicating lack of interest, even though that takes all of 2 seconds.

I know, guys. Women: can't live with them, can't f u c k dudes, right?

Kidding, girls...

Anyway, if you do get the blow-off, I suggest trying again, but you can't try the same thing twice. So, say she's not responding. Don't send the same message again, assuming she never read it. That just makes it look like your first message was a cut-and-paste. Send something new, something that will get her attention this time. As I said before, your failures should lead you to invent new approaches, not to just try the unsuccessful ones MORE.

Tip for Men #9: A bit too old?

So, since my readership appear (mainly) to comprise the 35-55 demographic, this is particularly well-suited to you older guys.

You know how you're 40, right? And 40 is the new 30, right? That doesn't mean you get to hit on 23 y/o women like maybe you could do when you were really 30. Sorry, but it's time to start thinking about updating your "cupid" settings.

Also, you know how you're 36, right? And you see some 29 y/o woman who says she's only interested in guys up to age 35, right? Maybe she even filters e-mails from guys older than 35 into her junk folder. Personally, I feel that peremptory norms like that are silly, but it's necessary to draw the line somewhere. (Sort of like voting: you don't magically acquire the maturity and insight needed to responsibly exercise the right to vote the moment you turn 18 years of age.) That said, I think if you really have something to offer, go ahead and write to her anyway, despite what she said about age. Just be sure not to start off like this:

"So, I know you said you only wanted guys 35 and younger, but other than the age thing, I'm everything you're looking for, and please please please just give me a chance."

By doing this you're, firstly, pointing out your negative trait of being "too old", and secondly, resorting to quasi-begging for her attention. And your message is going straight into the bin.

Tip for Women #9: Be More Specific

Okay girls, it's time to work on your "what am I looking for" section.

Here's the thing: everybody wants somebody who can make them laugh. Nobody likes jerks, creeps, idiots, or perverts. You can take it as granted that we understand these things. And even if we didn't, do you think guys are reading your profile and saying "well, I'm a pervert, so I guess she wouldn't be interested in me..."? Um, NO!

Here's the other thing. Guys, generally speaking, aren't nearly as adept as women at discerning subtext. Or even if we are, we'd usually prefer to exchange it for straight-talking. So, when he says he likes to stay at home reading Tolstoy, you acknowledge the reference to Russian lit, but you also query whether he has any friends, whether he's a shut-in or an anti-social weirdo, etc.

When you say you like to stay home and read Tolstoy, however, he just assumes you've got a penchant for Russian literature. For that reason, I feel that the direct approach works better. Say what you want and want what you say. Allusion has its place, but that place isn't in front of a crowd of people who can't be bothered to interpret your allusions.

Tip for Men and Women #8: Your Online Personals Pork-barrel

I'm loving how ashamed or apologetic people seem to be about the fact that they want to meet somebody who is (to them) physically attractive.

Get over it people!

It's evolutionary to want people who are as attractive as you are. Your brains are wired to respond in certain ways to certain stimuli, and no matter how much you like to tell yourself that you're just looking for somebody to discuss Proust with, part of your brain is looking at the body attached to that brain and assessing whether it's reproductively viable.

Anyway, I find the following to be indicative of this "Sorry I want somebody easy on the eyes" syndrome. Namely, the laundry list of qualities you're looking for in another person. Inevitably, it's high-brow until the last entry, or maybe the penultimate one. It goes like this.

She says, "I'm looking for somebody who can make me laugh, somebody who'll watch art films with me, somebody to cook home-made gnochi with, somebody nice and "all there", and somebody taller than I am."

He says, "I'm looking for somebody who "gets it", who's seen through the nonsense of the meat-packing district, who still cries at a good film, who's got to-die-for green eyes, and who shows real passion and interest for life-as-art and living life to the fullest."

Sneaky, sneaky. Sorry to blow your cover, people, but them's the breaks...

Tip for Men #7: Let's Get a Drink

Guys,

Setting aside the fact that your first e-mail to a woman is, notwithstanding my last tip for you, in all statistical probability a cut-and-paste form message, you've got to "set the stage" before you ask a woman to get a drink.

Face it, some people aren't completely comfortable with the online dating thing in the first place. And in the second place, asking somebody online to meet you for drinks isn't like asking somebody you've just met in a club if you can buy them a drink.

So basically, in your first e-mail, especially if you don't do much more than to advert to the fact that you've got a profile up, you probably shouldn't close with "let's get a drink sometime". Rather, let them know you exist, hopefully your e-mail and profile will make them feel attraction to you, and THEN you can ask them to get a drink. In that order.

Tip for Women #7: Your Favourite On-Screen S e x Scene

First of all, guys will take it as a potential indicator of prudishness if you refuse to answer this question, whether by leaving it blank, by copping out, or by explicitly refusing. It gives off a "that's none of your business" vibe that suggests that you're uptight about s e x, which is usually a turn-off to the sort of person who would choose to put up a personals ad on Nerve rather than on eHarmony (i.e., somebody looking for a dating scene that's more edgy and/or less sexually stilted).

For those of you who do answer it, you might like to know that "Secretary" and "Unfaithful" are, by far, the most popular answers amongst women online. Personally, I find that putative statement about female sexuality to be absolutely fascinating.

Tip for Men #6: Cutting and Pasting

Guys,

When you write the "first e-mail to the chick I might be interested in", it's not okay to send off a cut-and-paste e-mail. It's okay to have a general set of approaches that you will tailor to the specific person you're approaching, but sending off generic messages to anybody and everybody you think is hot is ruining things for everybody.

And, yes, I understand the theory: most girls don't respond to your messages, so you send MORE messages to EVERYBODY, and if you get one response, then you've succeeded. Classic marketing tactic. But in the online dating realm, all your blanket messages do is make women more sceptical of the guys who are online. It sort of works as follows.

1. In the beginning, guys with bad profiles sent uninteresting e-mails to a few people they were interested in, which the women understandably ignored or rejected.

2. Frustrated, you decided to increase your recipient list, sending messages to anybody that you thought was remotely hot or the least bit interesting. Since it would take a long time to write all these e-mails, you decided to write a generic one that you could cut-and-paste and send to everybody. Often, you wouldn't even read the profiles, only looking at the photos.

3. Annoyed, women began reading even FEWER of the messages they received, both because of time constraints, but also because they'd become good at detecting the cut-and-paste e-mail. Inbox filters came out, allowing brute de-selection of entire classes of potential suitors.

Result: Under the weight of cut-and-paste messages, ALL GUYS have less of a chance of getting in touch with the people they found interesting.

Seriously, you're just shooting yourself and all other guys in the foot with your cutting and pasting. Do us all a favour and try this tactic instead: figure out ways to make your profile more appealing, and your e-mails more likely to get women's attention. Women will appreciate it, other men will appreciate it, and you'll be more successful. Everybody wins.

Tip for Women #6: Insert Clever ___ Here

Okay girls. Many of you seem to be putting essentially no effort whatsoever into your profiles. There are good guys online, but none of them (us?) is going to want to get to know you if your profile is essentially two lines. You will, however, get messages from pratts, perverts, and meat-heads.

I respectfully request a moratorium on the following tactics.

1. "Insert Clever Line Here" as your subject line. LAME!

2. Griping about how Nerve requires you to write 50 characters about yourself just to fulfill the 50 character requirement. LAME!

3. Describing what you're looking for as "I'll know it when I see it". Why not just say "I refuse to make any effort, and I'm the sort of person who expects guys to jump through hoops for me." LAME! And a red flag!

4. Describing yourself as "if there's anything you want to know, ask me". Sure, blank female internet profile. There are 5.999 billion people on the planet that I know absolutely nothing about, and I'm supposed to be interested in you? LAME! And presumptious!

Get to work!

Tip for Men and Women #5: Let these words pass not through your lips

So, my serious blogger friend informed me that the blogosphere basically takes week-ends off. Nobody reads or posts. So maybe you'll forgive me when I do a lazy week-end post that applies to both men and women.

I'll call this Tip #1 in the "Let these words pass not through your lips" Series.

Guys, gals, let these words pass not through your lips:

"Partner in Crime"

It's incredibly cliche. Be unique, and don't use it!

Tip for Men #4: Regarding Your Boastfulness

Guys, there's a fine line between adverting to your strong suits and bragging. Two things.

1. Women, generally speaking, are very good at discerning when you've crossed that line.

2. So am I, and lots of you have crossed it.

Professionals: you know how when you get somebody out on a first date and you start talking about your corner office and your Tag Heuer, and her eyes start glazing over? That's because she knows you just crossed the line.

DJs and Musicians: Thought being a DJ or in a rock band was a sure winner? It can be, but just don't bring it up every 2 words in your profile.

British Guys: Englishman abroad? Brit in NYC? You're just bragging about something that's not really that great of a selling point. How exotic do you really think Britain is?

Tip for Women #4: Regarding Your Snarkiness

Okay girls, this post is one I actually WANT all your officious feedback on.

So, full disclosure: I abhor the word "snarky". It's one of those words and phrases that I've declared war on. (Another example is the phrase "I know, right?".)

I know what the word "snarky" means, but I have some serious misgivings that many of you don't do. And roughly 97.656% of you describe yourself as "snarky", so that's a potential problem. To be explicit, American Heritage defines it as follows.

Snarky

1. Rudely sarcastic or disrespectful; snide.

2. Irritable or short-tempered; irascible.

With that in mind, please comment on what YOU mean when you call yourself "snarky". And without regard to whether "snarky", to you, connotes something different, just beware of its literal meaning, yeah?

Tip for Men #3: Updating Paris Hilton

Okay, guys. I know being a guy means that life is a constant race to the bottom, to the lowest common denominator of how little effort you can make and still get women, but you've got to make a LITTLE effort with your profile. That means updating it from time to time.

For example, that Paris Hilton s e x tape was out how long ago? It's been years! It's sort of tacky in the first place to use "the Paris Hilton s e x tape" as your "favourite on-screen s e x scene" in your profile. To STILL have it up like that is both tacky and uncreative.

I mean, come on! If you're going to go that route, at least say the Screech tape! Or the Britney/K-Fed tape that may or may not exist. :)

And a side-note. I keep having to edit this blog because the censors don't like the three letter S-word that ends with "x". Or "h o r n y". Has this site really got that prudish that just the WORD "s e x" is considered vulgar? :(

Tip for Women #3: Swimsuits and Underwear

Okay, one of my readers sort of beat me to the punch on this one, but I'll put it out there anyway.

If you're a woman, and you post photos of yourself in your swimsuit or underwear, you officially forfeit the right to complain when your inbox is filled with the cut-and-paste messages of meatheads, dirty old men, and randy 18 y/o frat boys.

Sorry, you just do.

Oh, and when the shy, arty, indie guy with a 20-page long profile sends you some long e-mail pouring out his heart about how you seem like such a great person because you're witty, intelligent, creative, and sexy? That just means he thinks you're sexy.

Don't hate men for it, though. When you dress like that, we're evolutionarily hard-wired to respond accordingly.

A Proviso For My Readers

After a few readers completely mis-interpreted my posts, and consequently decided to leave me scurrilous comments, I feel it would be helpful to post something to keep in mind if you're going to read what I write:

I'm doing this for a laugh, because, let's be honest: online dating often strays into the realm of the absurd. I try to keep a sense of humour about the whole affair, and I try not to take things too seriously.

So, please read me in the spirit in which I intend to write: for a laugh. I'm leaving the comments section open if you have anything interesting, productive, or funny to say in response.

If, however, you feel like sending me something along the lines of (a) "bollocks to you", (b) "you don't know what you're talking about", or (c) "HERE'S a tip for YOU...", kindly just keep it to yourself.

And try to have some fun with it, yeah?

P.S. My intended audience consists in straight people aged 22-35 and living in New York City. So if what I say doesn't describe the gay/lez scene, the over 35 scene, or the scene in Coffeyville, Kansas, just let it slide please.

Tip for Men #2: Winks and Hotlisting

Sorry guys, but these just don't work in most cases.

If the girl is really attractive, she's getting new e-mails every day. More from old guys go into her filtered folder. And then loads of other guys wink at her or put her on their hotlist, hoping she'll see them. Do you really think she has time to go through all that stuff? A winking guy is a needle in a stack of needles.

Look, I sympathise if you don't have the cash to become a paying member. When I was a student living on loans, I didn't have the cash either. But if you're a non-paying male member, chances are you're just wasting your time anyway.

Unfortunately, not having money closes a lot of doors, and (for guys) one of those doors is online dating. Look at it sort of like going to Blockbuster. If you don't have any money on you, you can still go inside and browse. But you can't really participate, so what's the point?

Tip for Women #2: Long-Term Relationships

Ladies, a significant minority (maybe 15 per cent) of you only tick the "Long-Term Relationship" box when Nerve asks you what you're looking for.

For guys, that's an instant turn-off. You don't have to present yourself as a total freak or party-girl, but who wants to go on a first date with somebody when you know they're just sitting there wondering what your kids together would look like?

Basically you might as well be saying "I'd like to model my life off of Gweneth Paltrow's life: meet the most vanilla guy on the planet, get serious with him way too quickly, and then settle down to a tedious life even quicker."

It's a DRAG....

The only guys you'll attract with that are the ones who are "LTR only" seekers, which you know is a turn-off, because in guys, it comes across as needy and/or desperate.

And, moreover, it's probably not very successful, is it? Looking for a relationship is, I believe, probably the most effective way to prevent yourself from finding and starting one.

Tip for Men #1: Going Topless

Guys, don't do it. EVER. This is a peremptory norm. Never, ever, ever. Even if you're ripped. ESPECIALLY if you're ripped; all girls will think is that you're insecure and seeking attention/validation.

A fat guy with nice clothes will get more responses than a tri-athelete with a topless pic. For every woman you attract, you repulse 500 others.

Tip for Women #1: Pets

In no instance should you talk about them, mention them, or post photos containing them.

Cats. This is especially true of cat owners. Ladies, if you talk about your cats, all guys will assume that you're a crazy, anti-social cat-lady. All the more so if your photos contain cats in them.

Small Dogs. This holds true to a lesser degree, and the assumption guys will make is that you're a Paris Hilton wanna-be.

Large Dogs. If you live in New York City, you shouldn't even have one of these. Do the dog a favour and move to the suburbs.