It's been discussed in countless blog entries that I've seen, but yet the non-committal, often callous flakiness with which people generally seem to approach online dating persists.
Okay, here's the thing: online dating, as I've discussed before, is really OKAY. It's not weird or creepy anymore. And no, you're not too good for it or "above it". There's therefore no reason to approach it with the kind of off-handed pre-emptive defeatism that I see so often in people's profiles. See Tip for Men and Women #27: Online Dating is Humbling? for more information.
Why do I care? Well, your defeatist approach engenders what I like to call Deadbeat Dater Behaviour ( DDB ). And I very seriously doubt that anybody exhibiting DDB will have much success online, in which case your failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Some symptoms of DDB that you should avoid:
1. The Rebound: Don't hop online straightaway after a bad breakup, unless you're just looking for a no-strings fuck. It's a drag when you take the time/effort to get to know somebody, and just when you're starting to like them, they make vague excuses about "not being ready to date" or whatever.
2. The Flake-Out: If you make plans to meet somebody, you should in no event cancel the plans. You shouldn't make plans to meet anybody you're not sure you would want to spend some time with. Making plans and then vacillating as to whether you actually want to meet only shows that you're immature and indecisive. And if you cancel the plans, add flaky to that glowing list of personality traits.
3. The Cut-and-Paste: This is mostly for guys. Read profiles, don't just send out form e-mails based on seeing the person's photo and thinking they're hot. E-mails can have a formula, but should not be cut-and-pasted. See Tip for Men #6: Cutting and Pasting for more information.
4. The Blow-Off: This is mostly for girls because statistically on online dating sites (not any one in particular), guys are the ones who make the first move. Okay, so if you get a message from a guy who has obviously taken the time to write something personal to you, you have to respond, every time. Full stop. Even if just to say thanks but no thanks. This applies a fortiori if you're one of those people who badmouths winks/hotlistings in your profile.
5. The Conversation Trail-Off: Don't just stop writing somebody because your interest has waned. Take 10 seconds and say "it's been nice talking to you, but I'm not interested in going further."
6. The Unfriendly Friend-Seeker: Seriously, the "looking for friends" box should be removed, because everybody ticks it, and nobody (except for the blogosphere, apparently) is actually interested in making friends. This is relevant to 4-5: if you're not romantically interested, but looking for friends, why not strike up a conversation and/or steer it in the direction of platonic friendship? See Tip for Men and Women #20: Really Looking for a Friend? for more information.
7. The Liar: Don't misrepresent yourself, especially in the areas of height, weight, and marital status. Be up-front about who you are and what you want. Maybe your "goods" aren't the most saleable, but if you misrepresent yourself, the "foot in the door" tactic really will backfire every time. See Tip for Women #17: Don't Misrepresent Your Weight and Tip for Men #17: Don't Lie About Your Height, plus all my myriad posts about lying.I'm sure I can think of more, and I hope you'll help me with your suggestions.
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