Tip #45: Taking Control of Your Love/Sex Life

Admittedly, this tip is going to sound a bit vague, and probably not helpful to some of you. But I'm going to say it anyway.

So, having been reading people's blogs and profiles lately, plus talking to some of my single friends, a similar theme has come up over and over: there just aren't that many "good ones" out there. More particular to the on-line set, I've seen said a bunch of times lately how "nobody ever writes to me", both from guys and girls.

To my way of thinking, that kind of victim's mentality is sure to lead to nothing but failure in your love/sex life. Seriously, if things aren't working for you, then maybe it's time to think about doing something different. Here are some suggestions:

(1) If people don't respond to your profile, then spend an hour reading other guys' profiles and try to avoid all the lame, repetitive, boring bits that everybody says (e.g., "should be as comfortable in jeans as s/he is in formal wear", etc.).

(2) If people aren't attracted to you, then maybe get in touch with some of the psychological literature out there on sexual attraction. I'm thinking especially here of guys who don't think of themselves as physically attractive; what you guys need to realise and come to understand that attractiveness and attraction are not the same thing.

(3) If people aren't writing to you, then WRITE TO THEM. As I've said before, if you're a guy, then you really have no excuse not to be a paying member who can send out messages, because winking and hotlisting isn't very effective as a way to get somebody's attention. If you're a girl, you should be paying too, but even if you're not, get out there and start winking! More so than girls do, guys actually respond to winks. I'm no more in support of the exorbitant rates of these dating sites, but if you are seriously trying to meet people, then you should approach it somewhat seriously, which may entail coughing up some cash.

(4) If the dates you do get turn out to be boring, don't just gripe to your friends the next day about how s/he was a bad date. Maybe think how YOU could have made the date better. The tricky thing about a on-line-dating first date is that most people go into it very nervously. If you are nervous going into it, overly shy, then that's something that you need to work on. That way, if your date turns out to be nervous, you can compensate with enthusiasm and interest, which usually helps bring a nervous date out of his or her shell. As for me, I've been on-line dating off and on for a number of years, and I've been out with lots of people; after all this, I can honestly say that I've never had a "bad date". At the very least, I'll have had a pleasant conversation with somebody, learnt something that I can use in my love/sex life, and met somebody that could be my new friend.

These are just some examples. The bottom line, I think, is that blaming others for your dating/sexual failures is a losing strategy. If you're not having the kind of love/sex life that you want, then I believe that the only way (barring luck) to improve things is to take responsibility for your own failures, and examine how you can improve yourself vis-a-vis your prospective dating pool; THEN (and only then) will you be able to move forward.