I've been putting off this entry for a while, as I mulled it over. In Part 1, I considered my experience of men's and women's age preferences on dating sites.
But of course, most people use online dating to do just that, casual "dating", so what about in real life, when people get into LTRs, as we humans tend overwhelmingly to do? In those circumstances, how much does age really matter?
Speaking from personal experience, I've dated someone who was 8 years older than I, and 5 years younger. That's my gamut. Personally, I tend to date women slightly older than myself (viz. 3-4 years), just because I've found that 30+ women generally tend to have their shit together more than younger women. Obviously, some younger women are better put together than others, and some older women are still frickin' basket cases, but you know that thing you girls go on about how all 20something men are immature? Well, it's generally true of women too, surprise surprise.
Here's my opinion: age discrepancies matter more when you're younger. So, whereas a 45 y/o and a 35 y/o can probably go together just fine, it's more difficult for a 25 y/o and a 35 y/o to jive. A fortiori as the ages get younger, to the point where it seems pretty ridiculous to date somebody ten years younger. For me, I'm 27, so that'd be illegal, but even though next year dating a decade younger would be legal, it's not something I'll be chomping at the bit to do, because, well, it'd be absurd to date somebody who's still in high school.
Generally, though, it seems to me that age difference can present difficulties for a relationship, especially a serious one. I used to always say that age didn't matter one iota to me; it still isn't a big deal at all. However, my experience has taught me that with somebody significantly (5+ years older/younger), your priorities and/or motivations might not be co-extensive.
When I was 23, I didn't understand that. Consequently, when a girl who was 31 decided not to escalate our (fucking incredible) sexual relationship into something more serious (and in fact broke off even the sexual aspect) because she was looking only for something serious, I was completely vexed and exasperated. What an absurd reason to end a relationship, I thought. Why not just go with the flow? Well, I see now that she had the 'know thyself' adage down pat, because she's now married and I'm single without any intention of changing that anytime soon. And we're both happy. And we didn't have to go through the friendship-ruining process of a breakup. Everybody wins!
I hope it's clear that I'm not promoting any mating strategy over another. As I've said before, there's nothing inherently "mature" about wanting to settle down and get monogamous. Moreover, this whole "men mature slower than women" thing, as I've said, has nothing to do with the fact that men are commitment-phobes. That's down to our genes, and so is the fact that you women want monogamy from your man. It's called the battle of the sexes for a reason, and it shouldn't surprise you that sometimes a man's reproductive goals diverge from the woman's. (E.g., You know, girls, how sometimes your guy wants to get straight to intercourse, whereas you prefer more foreplay; well, that's down to unconscious processes in your brain based on your and his best reproductive strategies at that present moment, not to some kind of inability of men to take things slowly.) So, when women who want commitment conflict with their men who want to leave their options open, there's nothing normatively "better" about either person's telos.
I think it's important to be up front about what one is open to in a relationship, although it's not really something I think you should be talking about on your first Nerve dates. (E.g., if you've read Drea June's blog lately, you will have noticed that the issue of relationships and monogamy often comes up WAY too early, to the point that the discussion is inappropriate, presumptuous, and awkward.) I think this advice applies doubly if there's a great age disparity. Date somebody older/younger, then, just do so with full disclosure, with eyes wide open.
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