When is it okay to date a known cheater?

Perhaps you're already going to take issue with this post, based solely on the headline, because my use of the word "when" already implies that it is okay to date a known cheater.

I think the conventional wisdom here is that if you know somebody is a cheater, that means they've demonstrated a propensity to indulge in that behaviour, which means that you can't rule out the possibility that said person will likely indulge in that behaviour again. The lesson of the parable of the farmer and the viper, it seems, is the prevailing view: s/he's damaged goods, and if you trust him or her to act differently, you have only yourself to blame when you get bitten.

But allow me to throw a monkey-wrench into that theory: lots of people actually do cheat. The last time I saw the stats on this, it was somewhere around 30-50 per cent of marriages that had experienced some kind of adultery. The numbers are staggering, and that's just self-reported adultery. Additionally, we have the sobering statistic that 10-15% of all human beings are sired by a man other than whom they believe their biological father to be. That figure, of course, is skewed to the low end by the number of abortions that terminate pregnancies that are (potentially) the product of adulterous relationships, which is one of the most oft-cited reasons women report for getting an abortion: to prevent their partners from finding out about the affair.

Basically, lots of us are adulterers. And more importantly, we ALL have the same propensity to cheat in the right circumstances. That's because our bodies are genetically hard-wired to exploit opportunities for reproduction with those that our pre-conscious brain finds reproductively fit. Monogamy, on the other hand, is not hard wired. That's something that we discovered to be a viable reproductive strategy UNDER CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES.But if circumstances change (say, the ubiquitous road-trip, alcohol-fueled fling that the partner will never find out about), that natural propensity to exploit the reproductive opportunity will ignite. And often, in such circumstances, cheating happens even by those who would before and after describe cheating as something they'd NEVER do. Why? Well, because in many ways and in many circumstances, our pre-conscious brain is exercising its decision-making power before the conscious brain is even aware of what's going on. I think we've all been in this circumstance, viz. doing something you know is probably a bad idea, your conscious decision-making power coming in and out in its losing battle against the overwhelming emotions and sensory bliss that you're experiencing.

So, I think what this all means is that for you to hold another person's demonstrated propensity to cuckold against him or her is to ignore your own latent, as-yet-undemonstrated propensity for same. The difference is that you've never been tested. And obviously, there seems to be some room for conscious choice. Sometimes in flagrante delicto, you'll suddenly come to your senses and put on the brakes. But just up the pressure to a sufficient degree and the problem arises yet again.

Bottom Line: Cheating of this kind always remains a possible pattern of behaviour that ANYBODY, under the right circumstances, will indulge in.

Of course, I'm talking here about single instances of adultery, not about protracted affairs. With protracted affairs, the cuckolder cannot claim that his or her conscious decision-making power is hijacked by desire and emotion. Here, the person is making the conscious decision to carry on a pattern of deceptive behaviour. Of course, the same reproductive drives are promoting the behaviour, but in this case, the person is ratifying this unconscious drive with a conscious decision (1) to indulge, and (2) to indulge for a extended period of time.

Here, my advice is that it's okay to date somebody who you know to have carried on an adulterous affair only if you know that s/he has turned a corner. Meaning that s/he regrets the adultery, not just getting caught.

For my money, what this (hypothetically) means is that she understands that adultery is a losing reproductive strategy for her. But not all of you, I suppose, are inclined to choose your partners based on their understanding (or lack thereof) of the evolutionary, genetic basis for their reproductive actions.

How Much Does Age Matter? (Part 2)

I've been putting off this entry for a while, as I mulled it over. In Part 1, I considered my experience of men's and women's age preferences on dating sites.

But of course, most people use online dating to do just that, casual "dating", so what about in real life, when people get into LTRs, as we humans tend overwhelmingly to do? In those circumstances, how much does age really matter?

Speaking from personal experience, I've dated someone who was 8 years older than I, and 5 years younger. That's my gamut. Personally, I tend to date women slightly older than myself (viz. 3-4 years), just because I've found that 30+ women generally tend to have their shit together more than younger women. Obviously, some younger women are better put together than others, and some older women are still frickin' basket cases, but you know that thing you girls go on about how all 20something men are immature? Well, it's generally true of women too, surprise surprise.

Here's my opinion: age discrepancies matter more when you're younger. So, whereas a 45 y/o and a 35 y/o can probably go together just fine, it's more difficult for a 25 y/o and a 35 y/o to jive. A fortiori as the ages get younger, to the point where it seems pretty ridiculous to date somebody ten years younger. For me, I'm 27, so that'd be illegal, but even though next year dating a decade younger would be legal, it's not something I'll be chomping at the bit to do, because, well, it'd be absurd to date somebody who's still in high school.

Generally, though, it seems to me that age difference can present difficulties for a relationship, especially a serious one. I used to always say that age didn't matter one iota to me; it still isn't a big deal at all. However, my experience has taught me that with somebody significantly (5+ years older/younger), your priorities and/or motivations might not be co-extensive.

When I was 23, I didn't understand that. Consequently, when a girl who was 31 decided not to escalate our (fucking incredible) sexual relationship into something more serious (and in fact broke off even the sexual aspect) because she was looking only for something serious, I was completely vexed and exasperated. What an absurd reason to end a relationship, I thought. Why not just go with the flow? Well, I see now that she had the 'know thyself' adage down pat, because she's now married and I'm single without any intention of changing that anytime soon. And we're both happy. And we didn't have to go through the friendship-ruining process of a breakup. Everybody wins!

I hope it's clear that I'm not promoting any mating strategy over another. As I've said before, there's nothing inherently "mature" about wanting to settle down and get monogamous. Moreover, this whole "men mature slower than women" thing, as I've said, has nothing to do with the fact that men are commitment-phobes. That's down to our genes, and so is the fact that you women want monogamy from your man. It's called the battle of the sexes for a reason, and it shouldn't surprise you that sometimes a man's reproductive goals diverge from the woman's. (E.g., You know, girls, how sometimes your guy wants to get straight to intercourse, whereas you prefer more foreplay; well, that's down to unconscious processes in your brain based on your and his best reproductive strategies at that present moment, not to some kind of inability of men to take things slowly.) So, when women who want commitment conflict with their men who want to leave their options open, there's nothing normatively "better" about either person's telos.

I think it's important to be up front about what one is open to in a relationship, although it's not really something I think you should be talking about on your first Nerve dates. (E.g., if you've read Drea June's blog lately, you will have noticed that the issue of relationships and monogamy often comes up WAY too early, to the point that the discussion is inappropriate, presumptuous, and awkward.) I think this advice applies doubly if there's a great age disparity. Date somebody older/younger, then, just do so with full disclosure, with eyes wide open.

Some "Activities" That Do Not Get the Blam-Blam Seal of Approval (C)

So, since I'm the dating guru who everybody looks to for their dating advice, does it surprise you that I'm not into rimming?

So sue me. I'm just not into having my tongue that close to poo, and I should just come out and admit that the high possibility of contracting a fecal-bound disease is intimidating enough to keep me away from your butthole. Moreover, it doesn't feel sufficiently incredible to encourage another person to put their tongue on my rectum. Diminishing returns, you follow?

For the big board: Rimming - Does not get the Blam-Blam Seal of Approval (C) .

Here are a few more things that do not get the Blam-Blam Seal of Approval (C)Necrophilia, Bestiality, Apotemnophilia, Fisting, Asphyxiophilia, Phalloorchoalgolagnia, Biastophilia, coprophilia/Fecophilia, Paedophilia, Fire Play, Emetophilia, Somnophilia, Erotophonophilia, Urolagnia, Genitorture, Vorarephilia, Frotteurism, Haematophilia

But just to leave you a FEW options, the following activities DO carry the Blam-Blam Seal of Approval (C)

Acarophilia, Parthenophilia, Amaurophilia, Group \bsexo?\b/swapping, Autagonistophilia, Heteroflexibility/Pansexuality, Endytophilia, Katoptronophilia, Maiesiophilia, Zelophilia, Narratophilia, Vincilagnia

Enjoy yourselves!

How Much Does Age Matter? (Part 1)

I'm sure all of you have noticed the following, but perhaps the significance has escaped you. Sometimes the greatest profundities are those things that are sitting right in front of our faces but which we never noticed before.

Having gone through loads of profiles of both men and women, an interesting trend has emerged.

Men: Overwhelmingly, men limit their search parameters to women who are their age or younger. Perhaps slightly older, but very few, I've found, list themselves as being interested in women who are more than, say, 3-5 years older than themselves. As the men get older, their parameters shift slightly upwards, but still a large portion of men above, say, 40 are still looking for 25 y/o women.

I'll set aside the issue of whether compatibility issues will arise in relationships of such a great age disparity until my Part 2 post. What I'd like to query presently is whether the viagra sexual-revolution has increased this trend. To wit, are 40+ men even MORE appealing to young women now that there's a virtual guarantee of sexual proficiency?

Women: Overwhelmingly, women limit their search parameters to men who are their age or older. Perhaps one or two years younger AT THE MOST. Most interestingly, as they get well into their thirties, however, this trend shifts dramatically and they begin to search for men significantly younger than themselves. So whereas the 27 y/o looks for 27-35, the 36 y/o tends to look for 30-40.

I find that very interesting, as if to imply that a person's fear of the big four-oh overrides their typical desire to date older men, which women, as a matter of statistics, cross-culturally tend to do. A friend of mine was discussing with me the apocryphal theory that women reach their "sexual peak" around 35, whereas men do so around "18". Why, she asked, don't more 35 y/o women go after 18 y/o boys?

I'd guess that that happens sometimes, although perhaps not as young as 18. It seems to me that the less important having a serious relationship is to the woman, the more likely she'll be willing to date young when she's in the sexual prime of her late 30s. Women, any input?

Sex and Neotony: The Dos and Don'ts of Shaving Your Nether Regions

My friend who inspired this post wanted me to call it "Are you a 70s wo/man?" as a reference to the instantaneous and highly accurate dating of a porno movie that can be achieved just by looking at the amount of pubic hair that the stars and starlets are sporting.

So is it just me, or is nether shaving turning into a national craze? Is anybody NOT doing it these days? If you watch any porn, you know that not only do 99% of the girls shave off the bush, but also most of the GUYS are doing it too.

This I find very interesting, because porn is made for male consumption, meaning most of the audience are male, and the males that these guys are watching are doing something that I think most straight guys would consider to be somewhat emasculating, viz. shaving off their pubic hair.

With guys, I think the explanation is usually pretty simple (and very shallow): it makes your cocks look bigger. So sue us; we're guys, and part of our sexual self-esteem is tied up in how desirable we perceive our junk to be.

With girls, however, the whole pubic shaving trend probably seems much more worrisome to some people. The hand-waving, scoffing dismissal of the nascent male preference for girls to shave their pussies that I've heard is just that guys who like that are sick and secretly want to fuck 12 year olds. And although I think that kind of petulant response comes from the wrong place, it's not too far from the truth, I think.

Neotony, in evolutionary biology, is the retention by adults of youth-indicating features, particularly features associated with children. And like it or not, girls, a preference for neotony in potential partners is a fundamental part of male sexuality. This is because youth is the most reliable indicator of fertility, and it explains why men statistically prefer to couple with women who are younger than themselves. It also explains why NO HUMAN CULTURE IN HISTORY has ever sexually favoured older women to younger women. Of course, some individuals might prefer older women, but their genes should in theory be eliminated from the gene pool, because their partners would probably have been less fertile than a younger potential mate.

So that means that when you're in the gym killing yourself on the elliptical to work off those Cadbury bunnies you ate over Easter week-end and you see JoJo shaking her tits at the screen on the televisions, you should resist the urge to dismiss this phaenomenon as purely cultural. Although MTV and Maxim do affect the specifics of how male preferences for neotony play out, the male desire for Lolitas is hard-wired in us.

This might explain why men like shaved pussies, and in turn why women shave themselves. But perhaps there are other factors. Perhaps this should be filed under "TMI", but I'm of the opinion that everybody should be at least trimming their unruly body hair just as a matter of cleanliness.

Any input? Am I missing something critical here?

Tip #46: Lost E-mails and Non-responses

This is going to be very brief, because I'm cooking up a much juicier, interesting post for later. Or maybe to-morrow.

I think all the regular bloggers are pretty familiar with how glitchy the FC servers can be. It's actually somewhat surprising sometimes how technologically rubbish this site can be, what with all the crazy/impressive things being done out there on the web.

Anyway, just in 2007 I have had a minimum of 3 instances on which e-mails I sent or that others sent to me just didn't arrive at their intended destination. I can only guess how many other times that's happened.

My advice is that you should always send a follow-up e-mail in the event of a putative blow-off. Sure, there's always the risk that THAT e-mail won't go through. Plus, there's the potential that you're sending something to somebody who decided they weren't interested, in which case you might come across as too persistent. (But if that's the case, s/he's not worth your time anyway, so I think it's worth it.) On the up side, however, if an e-mail was lost, then this is potentially your only way to re-connect, or to connect in the first place, however the case may be.

Obviously, I'm not going to tell you what exactly to write, but you should be sending follow up e-mails, just in case FC's e-mail servers have been possessed by daemons and/or are hell-bent on ruining your love/sex life.

For the record, therefore, if there's anybody out there that I wrote to, and who wrote me back something impossibly clever and flirty to which I never in turn responded: send me a note! Seriously, I practise what I preach (Cf. Tip for Men and Women #43: How to Not Be a Deadbeat Dater), so no message goes unresponded to. If I'm not interested, I'll tell you; I don't just skulk off to avoid having to actually tell you that I'm not interested. I mean, come on! We're adults here, right? Not children who solve our social problems by hanging out on the other side of the playground.

Why do men mature slower than women?

Are you already questioning the premiss of this post? Yeah, well, that makes two of us, actually. Just a warning up front: this post is going to be full of my unresolved ruminations.

So, I'm sure you've all heard that familiar commentary that men mature slower than women do. Basically, this is meant to explain man-child syndrome, viz. the 30 year old guy who can still commiserate with 12 year olds, since they both play the same video games.

One question: is this man-child thing meant to be limited to Western Society men, or does it apply also to guys in Japan and Morocco too?

Okay, so here's my up front objection to the commentary: it seems to me that the unspoken premiss of the idea that men mature slower than women is a completely normative, value-laden judgement call about what men and women SHOULD be doing at certain ages.* What I think this judgement call amounts to is some kind of condensed version of the same formulaic, teleological notion of romantic love that gets shoved down our throats in countless, myriad ways every day.

Am I even approximately right here? It just seems to me that maturation in this context is equated with things like "not philandering", "settling down", "getting serious", etc. Generally, not acting like a boy who has his whole life ahead of him, but rather like a man who's knee-deep in life, and needs to start making serious decisions about where to go from here.

But if that's true, then what "men mature slower than women do" comes down to is just a failure to recognise the fact that men and women have divergent reproductive goals. As I've discussed before, monogamy is a reproductive STRATEGY that originates from the phaenomenon of female sexual choice; men participate in it because in certain circumstances it can also be our best reproductive strategy. But sometimes, it's not our best reproductive strategy, in which case, "don't philander" or "settle down" is, from the perspective of evolution, actually bad advice.

Anyway, that "men mature slower" is just a pro-monogamy value judgement is just my suspicion. It does not, however, explain some man-child behaviour, such as indecisiveness, weakness/convictionlessness, and incomprehension of terms like "attraction" and "chemistry". You all know this guy: he's maybe in his thirties, very flaky and equivocal when it comes to his commitments, passive-aggressive, probably plays video games, has no direction in his life, hasn't had much success with women, and always says things like "I don't care what we do; what do YOU want to do".

Here's a theory I've been playing with in my head. So, imagine the polar opposite of this guy is the ultra-alpha male type. His outward displays of genetic fitness are so blatant that they're basically nauseating. He drives a benz, wears flashy clothing, talks louder than anybody else, fights or threatens other men often, and basically takes what he wants when it comes to women, whatever way he can get it. Now imagine if EVERY guy were like this. That's a very ugly picture, replete with misogyny and sexual objectification of women, rape and sexual exploitation of women, jealousy killings of rivals and mates, brutal male infighting, etc. This means that society has a great interest in discouraging those rough edges of male sexuality by promoting opposite social values, such as humility, self-restraint, and chivalry.

But what if society went too far, to the point that male characteristics were too often and too consistently discouraged? If that happened, would men grow up unequipped to enter the adult world as a full-grown adult in body body and mind?

Moreover, if this is not a problem limited to my generation, then the male figures in my life as a child probably weren't able to teach me how to grow up into a mature man, since they didn't ever lean that themselves? And even further, if there were no strong male figures in my life, how could my mother really be expected to teach me how to grow up into a mature man?

Like I said, these are just ruminations. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

*As a parenthetical side-note, I should point out that I'm an emotivist on questions of normativity, which means that I believe all "should" statements are just expressions of a point of view. So, "you should refrain from killing babies for fun" really just expresses the idea that society has an interest in curtailing that behaviour, not some kind of objective morality that transcends human activity.

Tip #45: Taking Control of Your Love/Sex Life

Admittedly, this tip is going to sound a bit vague, and probably not helpful to some of you. But I'm going to say it anyway.

So, having been reading people's blogs and profiles lately, plus talking to some of my single friends, a similar theme has come up over and over: there just aren't that many "good ones" out there. More particular to the on-line set, I've seen said a bunch of times lately how "nobody ever writes to me", both from guys and girls.

To my way of thinking, that kind of victim's mentality is sure to lead to nothing but failure in your love/sex life. Seriously, if things aren't working for you, then maybe it's time to think about doing something different. Here are some suggestions:

(1) If people don't respond to your profile, then spend an hour reading other guys' profiles and try to avoid all the lame, repetitive, boring bits that everybody says (e.g., "should be as comfortable in jeans as s/he is in formal wear", etc.).

(2) If people aren't attracted to you, then maybe get in touch with some of the psychological literature out there on sexual attraction. I'm thinking especially here of guys who don't think of themselves as physically attractive; what you guys need to realise and come to understand that attractiveness and attraction are not the same thing.

(3) If people aren't writing to you, then WRITE TO THEM. As I've said before, if you're a guy, then you really have no excuse not to be a paying member who can send out messages, because winking and hotlisting isn't very effective as a way to get somebody's attention. If you're a girl, you should be paying too, but even if you're not, get out there and start winking! More so than girls do, guys actually respond to winks. I'm no more in support of the exorbitant rates of these dating sites, but if you are seriously trying to meet people, then you should approach it somewhat seriously, which may entail coughing up some cash.

(4) If the dates you do get turn out to be boring, don't just gripe to your friends the next day about how s/he was a bad date. Maybe think how YOU could have made the date better. The tricky thing about a on-line-dating first date is that most people go into it very nervously. If you are nervous going into it, overly shy, then that's something that you need to work on. That way, if your date turns out to be nervous, you can compensate with enthusiasm and interest, which usually helps bring a nervous date out of his or her shell. As for me, I've been on-line dating off and on for a number of years, and I've been out with lots of people; after all this, I can honestly say that I've never had a "bad date". At the very least, I'll have had a pleasant conversation with somebody, learnt something that I can use in my love/sex life, and met somebody that could be my new friend.

These are just some examples. The bottom line, I think, is that blaming others for your dating/sexual failures is a losing strategy. If you're not having the kind of love/sex life that you want, then I believe that the only way (barring luck) to improve things is to take responsibility for your own failures, and examine how you can improve yourself vis-a-vis your prospective dating pool; THEN (and only then) will you be able to move forward.